apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
