new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
