Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize