Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
