he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
How's work?
Spinning.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
