a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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