She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
