i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
