I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
