Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
