new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
