It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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