we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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