I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize