No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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