I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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