Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
