We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
