Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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