Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
