I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
