One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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