I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's official drugs can't kill me
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
