I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
