i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
