he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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