So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
