1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize