You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
