I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
