If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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