3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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