you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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