You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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