I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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