Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It was confusing and full of hummus
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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