U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
