dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
please don't ironically join a cult
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