tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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