Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
