Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
he high fived his dick after we had sex
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
