he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
