I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
