So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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