Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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