I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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