every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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