She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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