What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
