I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
