we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
