I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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