The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
