I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
