Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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