fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
