Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
