I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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