So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I CAN MOONWALK!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
