Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
