Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
