What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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