If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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