seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
