It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
