we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
