I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
