I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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