Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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