Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
